My Entire Life Revolves Around a Urinal

Shortly after posting my honest pee-pee story, my high school chum Brad called. He was laughing. He knows my pee-pee problems.

In high school, Brad, Gary, Danny and I would race to the senior hallway men's room after gym class and take our appropriate space in front of the line of urinals. Mine was third from the right. Then--and I'm still not sure why we ever thought this was a good idea--we would race to see who could finish first. Or maybe we raced to see to see who could pee the longest. These things are hazy and I can't remember the rules. Nevertheless, it was a welcome diversion from gym class. I liked gym, but was always afraid to bare my poofy nipples in front of a locker room full of flat-nippled men.

My experience in front of the third urinal from the right set a precendent in my life. It is one of loyalty.

I almost can't make myself go unless I'm standing in front of the thrid urinal from the right. If there are only two...I take the farthest one to the right. If I go anywhere else, I feel like I'm cheating on my urinal.

I have transferred this loyalty to the pee-pot to my social life. Once I have a steady friend or woman, I do my best not to stray or break that trust. And when I do, I feel very guilty. The few times I've broken a sacred trust (read: Genivieve/Marty, Kelly/Attitude, and that girl named Amy from an party during a doomed relationship with a now ex-girlfriend...all the fourth urinals from the right) I have never forgiven myself.

The only problem with my Urinal Loyalty...Brother Beaker. Many years ago, he set out a list of rules for how men should behave in the rest room. It is a simple system of rest room etiquette. I'll let him lay out the rules for you. Suffice it to say, it often conflicts with my loyalties. I believe in his system, but I have a hard time sticking to it.

We all struggle to find meaning in our lives. Most of us fail in one way or another. But I have a few rules by which I do my best to live...be honest, be loyal to your true friends, and dance with the one who brung ya.

And if that means breaking a few social rules to stick by my urinal...well, then so be it.