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Thursday, December 26, 2002

Oral sex and those who have tired of it...

Disclaimer: This figures to be a PG-13 post if you haven't figured that out yet.

Most right-thinking people figured this one out a long time ago: TV news personalities are fake. In 89% of their broadcasts they practice the timeless art of pretending they care when they do not. They plaster on a look of great concern about the recent downturn in the economy or upturn in crime, or downturn in the availability of prescription drug care, or upturn in unprotected sex, or downturn in Brady Bunch re-runs, or upturn in the availablity of non-prescription drugs. In this case, they are more than likely not-so-concerned about the economy, rarely-if-ever affected by crime, healthy as an ox and have no need for prescription drugs, shaking off the afterglow of a good round of rubber-less sex that they particpated in while watching the Partridge Family (they think the Bradys suck). I say all that to say this: They don't give a diddly-damn about their news story of the day.

That ain't necessarily me--I'm watching the Bradys--but you get the point.

And I say all that to say this: Retailers are more than a little concerned about the level of holiday shopping in the last three weeks. This is what happens when optimism comes face to face with reality. The nation's stores are scared.

Make no mistake...the above statements are all very important. Consumer spending is one of the greatest indicators of the state of our nation's economy. Without a healthy economy, people will eventually lose their jobs. That leads to crime. Crimes leads to murder. And there the country goes breaking one of the Ten Commandments and now we're all fucked. Armageddon.

The lesson: Since you didn't buy Grandma the cheese ball and pecan log this Christmas, the world is going to come to an end.

That is essentially what I'm doing today. While politicians are raid your tax money, criminals drink rum punch in well-lit bars, and innocents rot in prison cells, I'm spending nine hours, several hundred dollars, and a lot of valuable time making sure a few thousand people in Upstate South Carolina know that major corporations like J.C. Penny and Target didn't have a very good holiday shopping season.

The problem is this: Too much news. It's a lot like oral sex. It's great to get or give a two or three times a day. But if you get it three times before breakfast, once at lunch, three times before dinner, and once before bed, you're eventually just going to start thinking: Damn, I really enjoy that...but enough. There is only so much a person can take before they start boring of the technique and general repetitiveness of it.

To Target, J.C. Penny...and Macy's, too: Blow me.

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