Oh, help me, Rhonda

The only thing good about second shift TV work is the freedom to sleep a little later in the day. I'm working second shift today for the first time in I don't know how long. And I was getting a little extra sleep. Then the phone rang with some of the scariest news I've heard in the last several months.

I was half asleep so I don't remember the exact words. But imagine the sound of a little girl who just found out she's getting the new Lingerie Barbie for her birthday combined with the sound a balloon makes when you squeeze the nipple and let the air out slowly.

It was my wife.

"Trading Spaces is coming to tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwnnnnn!!!!!!!"

And that comes from a guy who doesn't like to use exclamation points.

I heard correctly. The Learning Channel's hit show will be coming to Greenville, SC this spring. Turns out the new president of TLC is from this fine little hamlet and nudged his employees this way. House scouting begins in February. Applications are due in a week or so.

This means the next several days will be spent teaching my wife how to use our digital camera, posing for photos, and praying to Amy Wynn that I don't end up on the show. Why?

Well, I'll admit I like the show. I think it is a clever concept and I'm quite smitten with one of the designers (that blonde vixen...). However, I hate the ugly shirts the contestants have to wear. I hate the fake excitment/running the contestants are forced to do at the beginning of every show. And I'm a little afraid of what the theme of the show might be. You know...the producers cook up some cute little theme for Paige to talk about (time, basketball, wife-swapping) throughout the show. I can't imagine what they would cook up as our theme...drunken neighbors, the cul-de-sac feuds. It's enough to make a guy shiver.

Even worse...we're perfect for the show. We are both in TV, our neighbor's house is within spitting distance, and we live in a cul-de-sac that the show could take over for two days. Our houses are sort of cute and we have rooms that fit the bill.

The worst thing will be if we don't get picked. I'll have to tell my little girl that all the air has left her balloon and Lingerie Barbie just got knocked up by No Condom Ken.

Help me, Amy Wynn. Help me...