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Thursday, November 20, 2003

The Terrorist Thinktank

Terrorists are a lot like corporate America. More on that in a moment, but first, an emarassing moment for America via my cell phone.

I was in a hurry, juggling coffee, a copy of Cold Mountain, an essential piece of work equipment, my car keys, and a desire to eat everything in sight. I didn't feel much like answering my cell phone. But, since emergencies among family and friends are becoming the norm, I answered the call from an area code I didn't recognize.

Turned out it was a call that had bounced off a few satellites, countless cell towers, and likely more than a few Canada geese before connecting my aunt to me--Israel to South Carolina.

She was on vacation and had been nervous about the possibility of terrorism. After some talk abot family, she asked, "Did you hear about the shooting on the Jordanian border yesterday?"

Um...my coffee was spilling on my hands and I was trying to keep it from spilling on my book. Did she say Jordanian border? Jordan? No, Aunt Tammy, it's not Michael Jordan...it's Jackson.

I didn't say that, but I struggled through my embarassment for the ignorance of America to explain that while international terror likely made the news somehwere, America's news broadcasts yesterday were dominated by a increasingly white pedophile with a thing for boys with cancer.

She talked about the shooting and said she had canceled a day trip to Jordan and owuld be back in the states soon.

A few minutes later several bombs exploded in Turkey. That killed a lot of people and injured a lot more.

I don't know what will lead the newscasts tonight, but I know what America will be watching for. They want to see Jacko surrender. If the terrorists kill or give up in between the commercials, well, that would be a good thing, too.

Here's my point: Terrorists are like corporate America. They find one thing that makes America pay attention (read: CBS's Survivior and 9/11) and then run it into the ground with poor substitutes until America no longer gives a damn.

If I hated America (which I don't--it's people just disappoint me sometimes), I'd hire myself out as an International Terrorist Consultant. I'd could walk into the little cave think tank with my Palm Pilot and Power Point presentation and show the idiots with the bombs how to make America wake up.

The presentation would be pretty easy:

If you guys give a damn about making America pay attention, stop killing people outside of the country. Joe Sixpack does not care what happens in Turkey unless it is cornbread stuffing. America care what happend in its big cities and in its heartland. Twenty miles into any particular ocean is a universe away from Texarkana.

Either that or hire Michael Jackson as the Chief Terrorist Officer (CTO) and have him carry out your suicide bombings.

That'd wake'em up.

Update: I couldn't help but look at the Associated Press at 5pm. In what order did the bastion of journalistic integrity list today's news?

AP-16th NewsMinute

Jackson detained...Spector to face murder charges...Gun lawsuit revived

(Santa Barbara, California-AP) -- Michael Jackson is in custody.
The entertainer has been detained by authorities in California,
where he's been accused of child molestation. A handcuffed Jackson
was escorted into the Santa Barbara County jail this afternoon.

(Alhambra, California-AP) -- California authorities are expected
to charge record producer Phil Spector with murder this afternoon.
Spector has been free on bail since his arrest for investigation of
murder in February. B-movie actress and model Lana Clarkson was
found shot dead in Spector's L-A mansion.

(San Francisco-AP) -- A federal appeals court in San Francisco
has reinstated the wrongful death lawsuit against the gun industry
for crimes committed with their products. Thirty-three states ban
such lawsuits, and the House has approved legislation for a
nationwide exemption for the gun industry.

(Istanbul, Turkey-AP) -- Turkish officials suspect al-Qaida is
to blame for two truck bombings in Istanbul today that killed at
least 27 people and wounded nearly 450. U-S officials say fixing
blame may be premature. President Bush says terrorists won't
succeed in intimidating free nations.

Yep. Funny how right I am sometimes.


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