My tripe

While I enjoy reading other blogs with this kind of content, I tend to do my best to keep it off Rapid Eye Reality. Nonetheless, I need a midnight distraction and Ceej over at Up For Anything provided this this.

Plus, some of you new folks may not know how absolutely wacked in the noodle I am. Perhaps this will serve as your notice.

I AM: Driven by creation but constantly evolving the way I create. Both creationists and evolutionists have decided I am the devil. I've done nothing to discourage them and bought a pitchfork to make me look more menacing. Grrrrr.

I WANT: To enjoy exercising my body as much as I enjoy exercising my mind. Either that or I want curvy women to come up to me in bars and ask me to flex my medula oblongota.

I HAVE: Wide--some would say fat--toes. I've only found one other person in my life with toes like mine. She was rotund, but had the voice of a siren. I've always had a hard time with women like that. However, unlike others, she didn't discriminate against me for my wide toes. She deserved a little attention just for that. Plus, barefoot springtime cross-campus college walks made my fat toes happy.

I WISH: It were June 6th. I'd tell you why, but frankly, I don't even know. I just want April and May to be in my past.

I HATE: That little switch in my brain that tells me the week is over before it really is. I further hate the switch next to that first switch that makes me want to fucking rip the head off the next person I see who tells me it's really only Thursday and I need to stop drinking at work.

I FEAR: Becoming that guy. You know that guy. The one who becomes complacent, soft, pudgy, pale, and boring. I hate that guy.

I HEAR: Only the hum of my computer hard drive, my fingers on the keys, and my wife breathing in the next room. She went to sleep at 10:15 because she's carrying a baby and I'm not, she works harder than I do, and she knows that life is generally more enjoyable if one gets more than six hours sleep a night.

I WONDER: What the next major event in my life will be. The oddmakers out in Vegas are laying 2:1 that fatherhood will be the next thing to shake up my life. A bookie in Queens is giving 5:1 that I'll change jobs by autumn. An internet wagering site in Bermuda has it 25:1 that I'll finally find that motivation I've been looking for and write something worth reading. Finally, my dog is offering a parlay card at 1000:1 that all three of those things will happen within a week of each other.

I REGRET: Having asked my wife if she thought it would be in poor taste to run a wagering pool among my friends/readers on the day and time my child will be born. She looked at me like I had just shown my manhood to an old nun in the frozen food section of the grocery store. I tried to backtrack and say I wasn't really planing on doing it, just curious if it would be in poor taste. I might as well have said I enjoy looking at polar bear porn. I was a pariah for the next two hours. Mental note: In about ten years, avoid betting on junior's little league games.

I LOVE: The way my wife wake me up in the morning, the way my dog smells like cornchips when she's been sleeping, the way my friends make me laugh and seem to care that I'm happy, the way my family understands that I live halfway across the country, the way music brings people together, and the way author George Singleton writes.

I ALWAYS: Try to hold the door open for a lady, even when she doesn't feel like being a lady and would rather be a naughty, naughty girl. Um...sorry. Distracted.

I AM NOT: As good as people believe I am, or as bad as I think I am. I guess that's a good thing.

I DANCE: Around the possibility that somewhere along the line, I may have made a couple mistakes. I'm hoping someone will two-step me in the direction of correction soon.

I SING: In public more than I used to, but not as much as I'd like to. I'd like to sing a few songs to a few people before my voice gives out and I start croaking.

I CRY: At the sound of very good music. I don't know why. I only know that I do.

That's all.

Actually it isn't, but if you want to know more, you're going to need to ask.