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Friday, February 24, 2006

Becoming an Evil-Doer: Step 1

Just after 2am this morning, I found myself getting a little depressed. That doesn't happen to me very much anymore. And by depressed, I don't mean "damn, I could use a handful of anti-depressants and a prom date." Moreover, I don't mean, "Man, I sure wish I'd bought a gas stove." In fact, it wasn't depression so much as I felt a little like I could be a better person if I tried more than...well, none at all.

After considering my options for a while, I realized I wasn't as into the whole "self-betterment" project as I thought I was ten minutes before. I spent a long time hating myself and it has only been in the past year I've come to accept myself for the lazy, self-destructive, selfish prick I am.

With the self-loathing beginning to wane, my noodle happened upon a new project. I decided to become an evil-doer.

It seemed, I thought, an interesting goal. While not necessarily noble, it would be distinctive. Few people actually set out to be evil-doers. They usually stumble upon it during Al Qaeda AA meetings or in line at Starbucks. Me? I'd actually be seeking it out.

Thing is, I have no interest in killing people, destroying cities, or trampling on civil rights and baby seals. I like most cultures, cities, and animals (many of them with a nice mother sauce on them). I decided I needed something especially evil, but on the south side of violence.

It hit me on a late night trip to the fridge. Inside the freezer was a package of Thin Mints.


So, here it is: Step one on the road to becoming an evil-doer.

I'm going to copy the recipe to all the popular Girl Scout cookies and hire a team of bakers to do nothing but make the snacks around the clock. In case you're not aware, here are the most popular Girl Scout Cookies and their sales percentages.

25% Thin Mints
19% Samoas/Caramel deLites
13% Peanut Butter Patties/Tagalongs
11% Peanut Butter Sandwich/Do-si-dos
9% Shortbread/Trefoils

Two bakeries currently have the Girl Scout cookie contract and make a mint (a thin mint, of course) on the suckers like us that buy box after box every year. I'm going to screw them all. To avoid copyright infringement, I'll re-name all the cookies as follows:

Thin Mints -- Chocolate Freezer Ass-Builders
Samoas/Caramel deLites -- Dirty Coconut Jowl-Enhancers
Peanut Butter Patties/Tagalongs -- George Washington Carver Droppings
Peanut Butter Sandwich/Do-si-dos -- Slap-ass Jiggle Snatches
Shortbread/Trefoils -- The Boring Box

Now, here is where the real evil comes in: I'm going to sell the things all year long. Yeah, all year long. In stores. In bakeries. On street corners. At churches.

The beauty of this evil plan is this: when it comes time for Girl Scout cookie season, John Q. Public is going to be so sick and burned out on the Slap-ass Jiggle Snatches that they won't touch the Do-si-dos. They will be so fat on the Dirty Coconut Jowl Enhancers, the Samoas might as well be Somoans. The Girl Scouts won't be able to sell a box. And just to be sure, I'll have porn stars and strippers standing outside Wal-Mart with boxes of my cookies--get this--giving them away during peak Girl Scout season.

Yes, folks. The evil is on. And I am going to be a damned doer.


Blogger Daddy said...

How dare you call Shortbread "boring." It is the foundation, brother. The pioneer of cookies, and the shortest of breads.

Just give me the signal, chief, and I'll have a caravan of flatbeds stocked with Indiana's finest shucked heading your way. Those bastard Cub Scouts think their popcorn racket is in the clear...well they got another thing comin' I tells ya.

9:03 AM  
Anonymous Maudie said...

Put me down for 5 boxes of the Chocolate Freezer Ass-Builders, would ya?

9:47 AM  
Blogger StB said...

I don't know if I would ever get burnt out of Sla-ass Jiggle Snatches. A tasty treat that can't be beat!

1:31 PM  

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